Scholars have debated whether Utensil Destruction is an art or a science. Our faculty's position is that it is neither, which is why we award a degree in it. This undergraduate programme formally recognises teflon scratching and knife dulling techniques, elevating it from domestic complaint to academic credential.

Degree requirements have already been met by the recipient — that is rather the point. The certificate simply converts an established pattern of behaviour into a framed, QR-verifiable qualification suitable for office walls, kitchen fridges, and passive-aggressive gift exchanges.

The certificate arrives instantly as a personalized PDF bearing the recipient's name, our unreasonably official seal, and a QR code that resolves to a genuine verification page. It is, we are told, the most rigorous documentation ever attached to this little effort.